Ida-de

Há vezes em que não sinto ter a idade que tenho.

Por momentos me pareço que sou um adolescente. Seja pelo meu ânimo e impeto momentâneos ou pelo o que algumas situações são capazes de fazer com a minha mente - meus pensamentos, nem que sejam por instante.

Tenho pra mim que isso de vez em quando é bom, por pura e simplesmente mostrar que eu ainda tenho sangue, que ainda vivo.

Mas toda essa perspectiva me faz tão... tolo.
Como um adolescente o é.
Como se... aquele instante fosse infinito e que não houvesse nada além dele.

E isso penetra em meu âmago e cria as mais estranhas sensações... que... desequilibram o meu ser.
Me jogam de volta contra uma ansiedade e uma expectativa as quais eu já não gostaria de lidar muito mais - que fazem parte de outros eus, que já me tomaram por demais.
E isso... é algo... que...eu, prefiro evitar.

Me dói de uma maneira estranha. Me preenche de uma forma contumaz. Me faz tão... vivo (e isso nem sempre é uma boa coisa...).
E prefiro, por hora, ultrapassar tudo isso.


Se eu puder ser somente um ser são e satisfeito consigo - [e não um personagem para mim mesmo] - já (me) basta.

Não almejo muito. Não desejo muito.
Somente tento (ir sobre-)viver.

Athwart

How many more thoughts, tears, tries we will need to have to find anything that may correspond to what we think we are looking for?

Probably as many as necessary - If this is a word that could be used in this kind of occasion.

But, It doesn't really matter.
Everyone has felt that once - and before - or at least, will.

You feel tired.
Sick of looking for things that might "match" your inner feelings and desires.
You dwell around, wander about... and? Yeah.
Nothing. And often, nothing at all.

You have a clear idea that people won't be the ones who will fulfil this little bar - no one who is feeling incomplete, insecure, unstable might find all these "qualities" in someone else for him to simply absorb. We don't need to have full-wisdom on to go after somebody else, if we have this necessity at moment. But I do recommend, that you make the most out of your moments with whoever it is - life should be lead by the easiness, the flow... we don't want to force it. We want to feel it.

Neither work or having a profession that may look like something acceptable in the social inertia will complete you. It might help, obviously (this is pretty much what I have been fighting with...). But we all have seen people that are on the top of the world, but in reality, they are just on the edge of falling. So, sometimes, work is just what it is - work! Don't overpress yourself about it. It might be just a way to have, your way.

Even though we, sometimes, figure this idea out, we still suffer. And we will keep on suffering and struggling to find our way through. Until...?
I don't have an answer for it right now.  But I'll keep on searching for.

I have a clue though - and sometimes it turns into a belief - that life is pretty much an ever going search (una permanente búsqueda). And we will keep on spinning through it.
It is a non-stop movement.
But do you know something?
What restrain you from having satisfaction in this process? Being sincere, real and feeling present in your own momentary self?

The search is real. The pain is real. The weariness is real.
But you still are. Real. Too.
Make it count, and make it real. At least, your real way. 


We don't want to let things pass by - to let life send us out of ourselves.
We need to be. Something. Don't ever let nothingness overcome you.


And still...
We suffer.
We find ourselves less than we were...
Still... we stand still.


What is the most effective form of keeping ourselves?
Memories? Preserving our inner thoughts and feelings? Trying to... overcome them?

And when you feel like part of you was kept in a situation that you lived? By a relation that you left everything you had at the moment?
Is there no more of that on you? Or it is just something you blocked in an unconscious fear of having the same tumultuous experience? We all have our preservation instinct - It works with all of us. And we have to be aware of it, to don't let it dominate.

Keep in mind that those who turn up to be something they are not... might have already fallen. They are no more.
But, you, that are still looking for the ever changing you, are feeling... Despair? Unfinished? Apart?
Pay respect to yourself. Let yourself go. Come back tomorrow.

Time doesn't always heal. But It does make you comprehend and adapt.
And the change through adaptation is a maxim.

We are our only saviours - but we might find help. Don't ever be restricted and closed to those who do want to help you out. Just don't ever expect them from getting out of their lives to live yours.

As the Buddha said, every being in this existence doesn't want to suffer.

And you won't ever have someone for much time that wants to suffer for and with you.
Everyone wants to share their suffering, their struggles, but we all want to overcome them - to understand them - realise them - and progress.
Everyone wants to live - and a companion, friend or whatever you find acquaintanable - will lead or progress with you through this phase. What we have to be sure of is - to believe. Not a single being can feel distrust and paranoia with those who are there, to really help.

It is odd. But also real. We do need company - we are social beings after all.
I've read that happiness is only real when shared - and this also seems like an untold maxim in this context.


We have all been through much. And much more we will.

This is just a kind remembrance for those who need some reflection and light in those moments.
Like, now.


Merci.
À tout.